Lyn.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

I didn’t have a nightmare last night, but I’m still kinda scared to go to sleep tonight…

Terrified to go to sleep. I fear what my subconscious mind has planned for me in my dreams tonight. I am literally afraid of my own mind. I keep having like mini panic attacks and start to breathe real heavy and my eyes fill up with tears and I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine turning off the computer and laying in the dark on my bed waiting for sleep to come but scared of what awaits me once I fall asleep. 

I don’t know what to do…

These are the days I miss Justin. If he was still in my life I would just call him up and tell him about how scared I am and he would stay on the phone with me until I fell asleep, talking to me about anything besides scary things and nightmares. As it were, I have absolutely no one to turn to; no one to take my hand and tell me it’s okay to fall asleep because if I have another nightmare they’ll be there if I wake up.

I’ve been out of sorts all day together, feeling as I’m sick or something. Not feeling myself and on the verge of crying at any given moment. I have been distracting myself with Nancy Drew and One Tree Hill and Bridget Jones, just trying to escape my own head, trying to stay out of my mind for as long as possible. I know I can’t keep it up, and that I need at least a few hours of sleep tonight because I have work in the morning. But I just don’t know how to overcome the fear of my own subconscious. 

I’m really lonely. I wish I had someone special. It’s been so long. I am so sad. I just want someone who likes me just the way I am, weird OCD quirks and all. I want a guy to look at me and not see the physical flaws and think that my awkward personality is cute. But I think that’s asking too much; obviously it’s asking too much. 

I don’t want to go to sleep…

I learned to swim fast, not because I was taught well, but because there were crocodiles in the river.

I woke up at 4am this morning finally free from the most horrifying, gruesome, frightening nightmare of my life. It took me a while to get back to sleep and even then it wasn’t restful sleep. I feel out of sorts now and scared to close my eyes and always on the verge of tears. And the worst part is I just want to go to someone and have them hold me on their arms while I cry it out and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I don’t have anyone, and things are not going to be okay.

A knight in shining armor never did anything for anybody. He never fought. A knight in dented, scraped armor, now that’s what you want.

A ghost doesn’t need to be real to haunt you.

We had beautiful days while they lasted. <3

I’m so sad these days. I don’t know how to get past this. I’m so lonely and broken hearted that I feel like I’m drowning. And to make matters worse, my dizziness has come back with a vengeance making life difficult because I can’t show any signs of it at work for fear of them making me quit until I find out what’s wrong with me and get better. But no one can tell me what’s wrong with me and I’m afraid I’ll never get better. Maybe it’s all psychological and it’s just all in my head. I’m pretty sure that’s what my family thinks. I’m so tired of living like this. Stuck and unhappy and unable to have any of my dreams come true. When do I get my happily ever after? Heck, I’d even settle for content for a time. I’m so tired of being sad and lonely. Why is it so impossible for me to have friends? Is that so much to ask for?